These are some of our favourites. By Chris Harvey 1: He died a couple of years before I was born. Related Articles 16 Jan Trigger: Well, I shall have to get used to calling you Rodney from now on. How long are you going to be, Baz? What’s the name of that bloke who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner? I don’t want to talk about it Trig. You ever been wrongly accused of something?
TOP 100 funniest one-liners on the internet!
What is the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job still sucks. What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
Well, maybe except really funny short jokes. Reading some good jokes can kick your day off with a laugh and a smile, and why not do just that? To help you we have made a compilation of some of the best of the great jokes and funny one line jokes that we know – on all sorts of topics from short funny jokes to great jokes about countries to dating jokes to jokes about alcohol and much more. To kick off the page, we present: The Jewish Samurai – In days long past, a Chinese emperor needed a new samurai to be his personal bodyguard.
He sent out a message to all the lands summoning the best warriors to his court in three years time. The day of the summoning arrives, and only three warriors present themselves. The first, a Japanese Samurai, stepped forward. He opened a matchbox to release a fly into the air. With a slash of his sword, the tiny fly drops to the ground, chopped in half. The second, a Chinese Samurai, stepped forward.
He too opened a matchbox to release a mosquito into the air. With two quick chops, the mosquito dropped dead in four pieces.
Funny Wedding Speech Jokes
Why did the Klingon cross the road? To conquer the other side. What are Vulcan eyeglasses called? Why don’t the Borg go to prison? Because they obey the Lore! What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
In the world of dating apps/websites, there’s so much competition out there for cute girls, your opening line can make or break whether she will engage. It’s insanely difficult to be funny, engaging, interesting, etc., in an opening line with a girl you know nearly nothing about. One time I threw a football so hard, I almost dropped.
Funny Ideas for Dating Profiles By: Siva Stephens A prospective match on an online dating website may scroll through hundreds of profiles looking for one that catches the eye, so you want your profile to be a standout. One way to do this is by adding humor to the page. Creating an attention-grabbing entry on a matchmaking site requires the same tools as any successful advertising campaign: You want to draw attention and curiosity so a could-be match will want to read more.
Adding some humor to your profile photo can make people want to know more about you. Meet Singles in your Area! Tagline The tagline is the short, freestanding phrase that typically appears next to your name when someone is scrolling through a list of prospective dates. Writing something brief and funny in this space can attract someone with a good a sense of humor who’s looking for a partner. Change your tagline often to keep it fresh. This is a good place to showcase your sense of humor.
Write about your real hobbies and passions, but do it in a funny way.
TOP 100 funniest one-liners on the internet!
Three Examples of Funny Best Man Speeches Relieve a bit of the pressure from creating a chuckle-inducing best man speech by using these three examples below as inspiration. Whether you focus on the bride a bit or pick out the most embarrassing story of the groom you know, some solid one-liners scattered throughout your sentiments will get the job done.
Thankfully for [Groom] she agreed to marry him before she found one. Growing up, we lived across the street from each other so he was always really more convenient than anything else. Sorry about that, [Groom]. There are three rather simple reasons.
Absolutely hillarious flirty one-liners! The largest collection of flirty one-line jokes in the world. All sorted from the best by our visitors. See TOP 10 flirty one liners.
At a wedding ceremony at which Father Brian Hamilton was officiating, he was seen to raise his hand in order to give the final blessing at the end of the service. Louise, the bride, totally misunderstood this gesture and surprised the vicar with a high-five. Not wanting to exclude Mark, the groom, Father Brian also offered him a high-five. Father Brian was eventually able to give the blessing, this time with the laughter of the guests ringing in his ears. There’s no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that’s been going around.
I’m going to take you right down to the private hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is good there, and I’ve already spoken to the Matron and the Hospital chef and I’ve paid the bill. I’ve ‘phoned the doctor and he’s going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don’t you just go to bed and get the rest you need?
I’ll bring you something to eat when you’re hungry. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I’ll bring you something ; do we have any canned soup around here anywhere? When you finish those dishes and the kids’ baths and get them to bed, you ought to go straight to bed yourself. Are you trying to give me pneumonia?
Please get out of my Van Halen T-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up. And and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry. But then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler. And, oh, no, it’s not okay because if they make me, if they, if they take my, my stapler then I’ll, I’ll have to, I’ll set the building on fire.
Could you milk me? I don’t want to hear your excuses.
Disclaimer Famous One-Liners There are literally thousands of popular one liners in English and also in other languages. This List of quotes and sayings commonly used in everyday conversational English, can help to speak English like a native speaker by learning English idiomatic expressions and proverbs. Funny One Liners When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list. I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes? One Liners about life Sounds like its time to get that Enterprise built! Until you hire a lawyer.
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How do we know good jokes? People say it over and over again, we share it among our friends, good jokes make you laugh out loud, most times uncontrollably. That is exactly the kind of jokes that we have for you. Dirty, clean and short jokes that will crack you up. Some might sound stupid and lame but within, you find the humour that you need.
Checkout these LOL, hilarious dating jokes. Relationships can be funny and tragic, as these one liners (in picture form) prove.
Enjoy our great collection of best funny corny jokes. Free free to laugh it out loud while reading. What did one toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed 2. Why is there a gate around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in! Because he was a little shellfish 4.
Best Comebacks This Year
Meeting girls can be great over the internet or on apps, but sometimes it’s hard sending them good opening lines for online dating. Don’t miss the helpful advice of our Tinder guide. Here are the best online dating opening messages: What are you up to? I tried to give credit where credit is due. If anybody has other openers that work well for them online, post them in the comments.
Absolutely hilarious one liners! The largest collection of the best one line jokes in the world. All rated by visitors and sorted from the best. See TOP 10 witty one-liners.
When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice Q: What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks! What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job! How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist! Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.
30 great one-liners
Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears! Did you sit in a pile of sugar?
Jokes > One-Liners. One-Liners Steal these classic one-liner jokes, from experts in funny from Milton Berle to Conan O’Brien.
Anything I wanted to. Ann Bancroft Any husband who says. Bill Cosby I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery. Rita Rudner Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Benjamin Franklin My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. Milton Berle I was married by a judge.